this boner is exhausting
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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