I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
