how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
50% drunk capacity currently
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
