The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
