Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
