They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
