I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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