how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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