When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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