i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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