so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
