The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
