I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
