my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize