Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
