I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
