3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
