It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
