please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
