Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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