The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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