Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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