mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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