May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
