What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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