you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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