____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
