I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
