i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
