if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
