The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
