he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
