There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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