Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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