I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
