My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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