Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
