i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Randomize
