my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
