Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
