There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
