i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
