I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize