My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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