Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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