She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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