when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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