So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
