I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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