I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
