yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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