so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
