Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
