And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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