Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
