Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
