Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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