apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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