apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
