I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i believe in u and ur pee
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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