i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
