woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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