I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize