Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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