Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
