mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
