No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
