I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
